User blog:Devan4590/Feelings

Home Life
It's hard. Having actual self confidence. Believing in yourself. Believing that you can do anything you put your mind to. Reality for me is so much different. It's that I have a brother who is 55% Sarcastic, 10% Only cares about his friends, 30% Cares about school, %4 cares about family, and 1% cares about me. My brother never apologizes unless he's forced to, and he could tie me in a knot and not untie me and not have a single regret. My brother also makes me feel worse on purpose. It gets worse. I can't trust my Nanny because she will tell everything to my dad unless her reputation is on the line. My mom is someone who only cares about my feelings 50% of the time. Other times I believe she couldn't care less. My dad...he's just someone who only cares about me because I will be the one to give him money when he retires.

My dad wants the best for me, but not always because he loves me. It's for money. As I say it, little green pictures of old men (Seriously, that's what money is in my country) run the world. My dad can lower my self confidence to the point I want to shrink away, he can hit me, throw me around, pin me up against walls, and even call me "The worst human being in the world" without having a single regret. He never apologizes to me. He only apologizes to whomever his girlfriend is. My dad and my mom are divorced, so moving between houses is normal. So on a day I get yelled at I have to endure my dad's wrath, think the world is better off without me until I think about this community, I also have my brother make me feel worse.

School life
In high school it's basically "Win or die" because I get death threats, and I have to lie that I'm with people because I don't have good friends at school. My Parents want me to be social in school, but I can never be social. It's one of two things. And It's hard. Having to put on the charade "I'm fine. I'm ok. Everything is your definition of normal. No problems you need to worry about." When in reality, it's "I'm not fine. I'm not ok. This is normal. Nothing will ever be your normal again. But don't worry yourself about me, you have more important things to worry about." and I put on that charade because I don't want people to worry about me. I'm nothing but a number to my school. I don't do the best in school, but I have to feel like I have to because as all of you who are in college know, colleges only accept the biggest, strongest, and/or best. If I am not at the top of my grades, then I'm going to be forgotten and I am not going to get into college and be a failure. My teachers sometimes say that I try unnecessarily hard. But that's not unnessary.
 * 1) They are idiots. No other words for it.
 * 2) They couldn't care less about me

This Community
This is the community where I have the closest thing to friends. I can actually interact here without people judging my every small action. You guys can't tell what is my actual voice tone. I never want to show you my face, so you can't tell how I am truly feeling. But you guys actually accept me for who I am, regardless of how I feel. It's better that way in a way. This community actually gives me hope that not everyone in the world is either a If you've read all of this then, I guess it's great. You guys actually do have some shred of care of who I am. I guess that's all I have to say. Sorry if I offended anyone.
 * Person who couldn't care less about you.
 * Soulless beast willing to use you or decimate your social life for theirs.
 * Someone who wants to associate you because they are required to.
 * Someone who will judge your every action. Little or small.