User blog:Burbot019/Nothing is Beautiful

I've never been the philosopher in my group. My friends, rather, what were my friends would tell you I'm the exact opposite of a deep-thinker: cocky, egotistical, a victimizer but rarely a victim. Even my nickname means 'insane' in Porteguese.

But those things stop counting when you're in space, don't they? Especially when you know you're going to the place you'd never want.

It was my own fault, really. Who makes a deal based off what happens to a rabbit that can run away? Who makes the winner have the loser's life in their hands?

But that's what happens when you survive for centuries: you think you're invincible, even when tripping on the sidewalk could kill you.

I look back at the Gem who is my 'master' (apparently her name's 'Callaina'?). She seems to want nothing to do with her own teammates, much less me. I'm guessing she wants me for the same reasons a foxhunter really wants a fox; not as a pet, but a trophy. She has a Crystal Gem right at her hands, a Chrysoberyl that was meant to be extinct. I would say she wants a Pearl, but I doubt she'd appreciate one, either.

I look at two of my former friends, an Ice and a Rubellite. They look uncomfortable, and I know why; it's not everyday you have to be near your friend before you know they're going to die. On normal circumstances, I'd say I'd kill the Crystal Gems for them, but I know it's different. The Crystal Gems are a small group. If they free me, they betray a whole planet that will chase them til death, and have to be with people they hate the most. Not a life worth living, I'd imagine.

--

Thanks to the ship's engine, it's quick to go to Homeworld, but for me it feels like days. I gulp as I receive a lawyer, or what passes for one in this hellhole, a Blue Zircon. Funny that they chose the idiotic one to be the defense; almost as if their rigging it. Gee. I wonder why it would be like that.

---

Scratch what I said earlier: death would be preferable to this. The zircon keeps bumbling and won't shut up. The other keeps talking and won't shut up either; she's even cockier than I was. Yellow Diamond won't shut up, Blue won't shut up, even their Pearls that aren't talking won't-

"SHUT THE HELL UP!," I scream, receiving shock from the Zircons and glares from the Diamonds. "JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?! I'M GUILTY, I WON'T TALK, AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR TALKING!"

I cry for the first tim since yesterday, which feels more like yesteryear. I forget about Rubellite, and Ice, and Flower, and Cuprite, hell, I forgot the Diamonds. I just want to die. I know even if I didn't want it, I'd get it by the end of this trial anyway, so what's the point? Giving Gems false hope? Dangling a little cat toy in front of the kitten that will never catch it?

"I just want to die already," I sob. "Why can't you just kill me already..?"

--

It's funny how nothing is ever beautiful until you're dead, or close to it, anyway. Before I even feel the lightning on my body, I thought about Flower. The sky. Light. The thought of ever having blood come out of me. All these things, all things I loved, were never as beautiful as they seem now.

Then I think of the river, the first thing I loved. I think of how calm and smooth it was, with no ending or beginning, how it sparkled, how it looked, how it felt. I've seen to have taken it for granted.

And as I retreat to my Gem for the last time, I know it's gone.